 | Your Junk my Happy Zone | |
| by Brandon Corbett |
On February 7th, 2014 Dennis Pearson went under the knife for what he thought was a routine, tortuous pulling of wisdom teeth. However, little did he know that once the anesthesia kicked in he was in for a much more radical sort of surgery.
Dennis in the "dentist's chair" Holy Balls captain, Chris Paquin, didn't just desire the perfect Wiffleball player, he obsessed over the idea. Noting that the WSEM rulebook doesn't outlaw robots, androids, or cyborgs from playing, Chris parlayed his love for Megaman and the Terminator into developing his flawless Wiffler. He secured a secret location and assembled a team of the world's most brilliant scientists (none of whom spoke English) along with one outstanding bartender (who also couldn't speak English) and the entire of cast of Top Gun for nightly reenactments. Billions of dollars and a handful of prototypes in, the team kept running into the same problem: the machines couldn't comprehend what Wiffleball was!
Unable to compute, the first prototype autocorrected to "waffle," and became the world's number one producer of the breakfast food. A failure, yes, but the added revenue allowed the team to further advance its facilities. Later models recognized their priority as a sport, but always defaulted to the much more commonplace option of baseball. Seven of these prototypes were on display during the 2013 World Series. Paquin ultimately realized that he needed the human component to be successful.
Thus began the plan to get Dennis in the chair, under anesthesia. As soon as he was knocked out Paquin, three of his scientists, and Clarence Gilyard, Jr. (Sundown from Top Gun) moved Dennis to a secure facility where they began the transformation. Already a strong pitcher, they sought to improve his performance by using the ligament tightening procedure theorized by Rookie of the Year in his right arm. His left arm was outfitted with a threat detection system to identify and intercept incoming objects: i.e. flying wiffleballs. Electromagnetic joints replaced those in his legs and pelvis to improve his speed. A rocket motor was installed in his ass, because the team thought it would be really cool (and could aid in robbing home runs). His shoulders received similar electromagnetic upgrades to his legs, but quick-burn rocket thrusters were also added to his wrists to boost his already impressive swing. They also pulled out his wisdom teeth, since that was actually a thing.
Upon first activation Robo Dennis' initial mission was to hit the urinal. The scientists were excited about this, since it meant the human mind was still in play. Providing even more excitement to the team was that after relieving himself Dennis immediately crafted four Wiffleballs out of the very urinal he used, then threw three of them for perfect strikes 150 yards away - breaking the board in the process. The scientists celebrated. Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, and Tom Skerritt popped champagne; the bottle Tim Robbins was working on was
Rob Oden wants you! tricky, but Robo Dennis walked over and opened it with no more than a thought. It was at this point, when the new Dennis spoke for the first time, that the team learned there was a single, minor flaw in their revolutionary creation.
"I am Rob Oden. I will play Wiffleball. Who are my opponents?"
Rob Oden? The eyes of team members darted around. Glasses rattled. Tom Cruise looked like a douche. The labored, uncomfortable silence ended when Paquin looked up from his phone that he'd been frantically scrolling through and spoke: "I... Yeah, that's my bad. I accidentally typed a space in there when assigning the project name. Kinda cool, though." Rob Oden pointed to Paquin from across the room, "you can be Rob Oden's wing man!" Tom Cruise instinctively yelled back, "no you can be mine!" Rob Oden rashly cracked open Tom's skull with the fourth Wiffleball, then proceeded to craft another out of it.
Oden, Paquin, the scientists and surviving Top Gun cast have since gone underground to seek out the best, nay, wipe out the filthiest Wiffleball talent. Rumor has it they're currently hanging around Philadelphia. Anyone in the mood for cheese steaks?
Dennis in the "dentist's chair" Holy Balls captain, Chris Paquin, didn't just desire the perfect Wiffleball player, he obsessed over the idea. Noting that the WSEM rulebook doesn't outlaw robots, androids, or cyborgs from playing, Chris parlayed his love for Megaman and the Terminator into developing his flawless Wiffler. He secured a secret location and assembled a team of the world's most brilliant scientists (none of whom spoke English) along with one outstanding bartender (who also couldn't speak English) and the entire of cast of Top Gun for nightly reenactments. Billions of dollars and a handful of prototypes in, the team kept running into the same problem: the machines couldn't comprehend what Wiffleball was!
Unable to compute, the first prototype autocorrected to "waffle," and became the world's number one producer of the breakfast food. A failure, yes, but the added revenue allowed the team to further advance its facilities. Later models recognized their priority as a sport, but always defaulted to the much more commonplace option of baseball. Seven of these prototypes were on display during the 2013 World Series. Paquin ultimately realized that he needed the human component to be successful.
Thus began the plan to get Dennis in the chair, under anesthesia. As soon as he was knocked out Paquin, three of his scientists, and Clarence Gilyard, Jr. (Sundown from Top Gun) moved Dennis to a secure facility where they began the transformation. Already a strong pitcher, they sought to improve his performance by using the ligament tightening procedure theorized by Rookie of the Year in his right arm. His left arm was outfitted with a threat detection system to identify and intercept incoming objects: i.e. flying wiffleballs. Electromagnetic joints replaced those in his legs and pelvis to improve his speed. A rocket motor was installed in his ass, because the team thought it would be really cool (and could aid in robbing home runs). His shoulders received similar electromagnetic upgrades to his legs, but quick-burn rocket thrusters were also added to his wrists to boost his already impressive swing. They also pulled out his wisdom teeth, since that was actually a thing.
Upon first activation Robo Dennis' initial mission was to hit the urinal. The scientists were excited about this, since it meant the human mind was still in play. Providing even more excitement to the team was that after relieving himself Dennis immediately crafted four Wiffleballs out of the very urinal he used, then threw three of them for perfect strikes 150 yards away - breaking the board in the process. The scientists celebrated. Val Kilmer, Anthony Edwards, and Tom Skerritt popped champagne; the bottle Tim Robbins was working on was
Rob Oden wants you! tricky, but Robo Dennis walked over and opened it with no more than a thought. It was at this point, when the new Dennis spoke for the first time, that the team learned there was a single, minor flaw in their revolutionary creation.
"I am Rob Oden. I will play Wiffleball. Who are my opponents?"
Rob Oden? The eyes of team members darted around. Glasses rattled. Tom Cruise looked like a douche. The labored, uncomfortable silence ended when Paquin looked up from his phone that he'd been frantically scrolling through and spoke: "I... Yeah, that's my bad. I accidentally typed a space in there when assigning the project name. Kinda cool, though." Rob Oden pointed to Paquin from across the room, "you can be Rob Oden's wing man!" Tom Cruise instinctively yelled back, "no you can be mine!" Rob Oden rashly cracked open Tom's skull with the fourth Wiffleball, then proceeded to craft another out of it.
Oden, Paquin, the scientists and surviving Top Gun cast have since gone underground to seek out the best, nay, wipe out the filthiest Wiffleball talent. Rumor has it they're currently hanging around Philadelphia. Anyone in the mood for cheese steaks?
