Cup of Nick Coffee VII
Hello. My name is Nick C… no that’s too obvious… My name is N Coffee, I am 30 years old and I am going across the country for a weekend of wiffle ball.I wish it was that easy to tell people where I go every July since 2012 and also sporadic years since 2004. The truth of the matter is that most people don’t understand. Even some of my closest work colleagues don’t know the truth about what I’m doing mid-July in Central Ohio every year. The few times when I actually tell people where I’m going and what I’m doing, I sure get a lot of weird looks and questions. I am very proud of how Carl took our league that we started together in 2004 and made it what it is today and I’m always the first person to show the website/videos/podcast to showcase the skills of today’s players, but most of the time I just flat out lie.
This article isn’t to brag about how proud I am about attending the NWLA tournament every year, but it’s a piece on how to lie to people in 10 steps so you can skip all the blank stares and questions that are sure to occur after telling someone the truth.
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The first step about lying is to Make Peace With Your Decision to Lie. Being a father of a six-year old, I’m stepping out of my morals on this, but sometimes lying is to make things better. These lies won’t hurt anyone, it only protects yourself from a half-day of explaining what competitive wiffle ball is and even the possibility of embarrassment.
- Step number 2 would normally be to Consider the Probability of Being Detected. The truth usually comes out after lying, but in this case it might not. Just be sure not to post pictures of your wiffle-weekend on Facebook for all of your work buddies to find.
- Get Your Revision of Events Straight is step 3. For me, it’s easy. I can just say I’m flying to Michigan (which is true) to see my brother (which is also true). I don’t HAVE to disclose that we’re driving down to Ohio as soon as I fly in. However, for other people across the country, you must come up with a valid reason why you’re traveling to Ohio in the middle July.
- Step 4 is to Use Your Imagination and Envision the Lie. If you told people the truth about where you’re going, they might think THAT is a lie. So in this case, the most obscure reason you use might be better off.
- Step 5 – Think About the Details. Try to predict questions that will be asked to you when you’re saying you’re going out of town only just a couple weeks after the 4th of July weekend. You can even practice answering in front of stuffed animals or in front of a mirror.
- Do the Opposite of What Ordinary Liars Do is step 6. Most liars get caught. This is why relationships are hard to keep and your boss never believes that you “aren’t feeling well” on Monday mornings (he knows you’re just hung-over). My advice is to plan out your lie and cover all your tracks so you don’t get caught.
*NOTE* If you get caught, you wanted to get caught! - Bring the Lie Up First, Before You’re Questioned About The Matter. Step 7 is almost like planting the seed. Before your co-workers find out that you’re taking off work, tell them that you’re going to Ohio to visit family/friends or attending a corn field convention. This avoids questions asked last-minute when you’re unprepared.
- Step 8 is when/if you get caught. Make a Truthful Admission. When your friends or co-workers find the Facebook picture of you with a stupid mustache, holding a giant trophy and wearing a green shirt with a giant Michigan hand on it YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT. Just stick your tail between your legs and tell them where you really went. They might be more interested in the topic than you thought.
- Step 9 is when/if you get caught and you still don’t want to tell the truth. Play Dumb. “That’s not me”, “That’s from like 2 years ago” and “I was so drunk that I don’t remember” are all good excuses to bypass the confession that your colleagues are seeking.
- The 10th and final step isn’t really a step, but a piece of advice. Know When Not to Lie. As most of you already know, some people think it’s actually pretty cool that you get to hang out with guys from all over the country to act like kids for a weekend. It’s also a good way to spread the word of competitive wiffle ball to people that might be interested in playing or even creating their own league.
JUST LIE.
